Hollywood: You're Doing it Wrong

Dennis the Menace was one of my favorite movies growing up, and that can be credited to an adult cast who relished in the broad characters that only a comic strip could create. I shouldn’t have loved Walter Matthau at such an early age, given his penchant for being so curmudgeonly, but he did the splits and let a flaming marshmallow burn on his forehead during the course of the film … which was high class at my age. The movie also treated the property with respect, keeping the same dynamics of the strip and infusing it with good ol’ Hollywood schmaltz. Even the plot’s most original element (the villian played by Christopher Lloyd) fit into the world because Lloyd was a character. Even at his nastiest (in look and temperament), Lloyd is a beautiful thing to behold.

What helped Dennis the Menace succeed was the cleverness of its source material. The same can not be said of the upcoming adaptation of Marmaduke. Yeah, Marmaduke; that terrible single-panel comic strip which always catches your eye, yet never manages to satisfy. Every time I read the newspaper (they print news on paper now?) I glance at that retched dog, just to see if it will surprise me with something funny or original. Honestly, even a good pun would convince me that some thought has gone into the creation of the comic. But it never happens.

It’s funny ’cause it’s not funny. This blog does an admirable job in deconstructing panels such as this one, revealing nothing, but at least giving the comic purpose. Maybe this is why making a movie based on a series of uncreative ideas is in itself an uncreative idea. Here are the details from Variety:

In adapting the strip created in 1954 by Brad Anderson and Phil Leeming, the script by Tim Rasmussen and Vince Di Meglio sees Marmaduke [voiced by Owen Wilson] navigate a volatile Mutts vs. Pedigrees turf war, woo the purebred of his dreams and overcome a fall from grace. Judy Greer, Lee Pace and William H. Macy play the humans, while Fergie, Emma Stone, George Lopez, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Steve Coogan, Damon Wayans, Marlon Wayans supply the voices.

Will George Lopez be reprising his role as a Beverly Hills chihuahua for this film as well? I hope the producers didn’t make it that easy. Looking at this synopsis makes me cringe, and it’s the exact same face I make whenever I am reminded of G-Force, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Garfield, Racing Stripes, Cats & Dogs, et al. It is refreshing to see that audiences will not be subjected to 90 minutes of Marmaduke lying down and befuddling his owners, but this idea still has no merit. In fact, this almost makes me want to see a Family Circus movie instead. Actually, no. Even tired dog jokes and bad CGI have more relevance than the saccharine/asinine “humor” of the Keane family. Bring on Owen Wilson’s whiny voice, and spare me the unnatural innocence of Dolly.

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Disturbing news out of Hollywood today: the financial nonsuccess (or failure, to use a technical term) of Funny People has driven Adam Sandler to the brink … and the brink sure looks a lot like Eddie Murphy.

From Variety:

The actor will next star in the romantic comedy “Jack and Jill” and produce via his Happy Madison shingle. Sandler will play Jack as well as twin sister Jill.

Adam Sandler as a 'Gap Girl' on Saturday Night Live.

And you can quickly guess that sister Jill must be overweight by at least a couple pounds, because there is no way this film is being made without a fat suit. Adam Sandler wore a fat suit in Click, and he is not afraid to do it again. His career trajectory is frighteningly similar to that of Eddie Murphy, the other SNL comedian who hit Hollywood running and has since wheezed through awful movies. Their careers are simple: start off subversive (be it edgy or infantile), become blander and fatter (The Nutty Professor or Click), reclaim relevance (Dreamgirls or Punch-Drunk Love), produce kiddie movies (Imagine That or Bedtime Stories) and then try to reclaim any kind of status as comedian (Norbit and now Jack and Jill).

An addendum to that last point: no matter how hard you try, the end result will be disturbingly terrible. This is fact, not hyperbole. As much as I enjoyed past efforts of Sandler portraying women, there is no possible way I could stomach an entire movie of his fey voice and vaguely feminine movements. This seems like a leftover bit from I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, but instead of insulting the gays, now it’s unlucky-in-love women. Unlike Murphy’s character Rasputia from Norbit, it is a certainty that Sandler will give his Jill an emotional arc, challenging the viewer to invest in a character that will definitely be played for stereotypical laughs.

Get it? Get it? It’s funny ’cause it’s a guy playing a girl.

I get it. And I’d appreciate if you (Adam, Eddie, and, while we’re at it, Martin Lawrence and the Wayans clan) would put the idea to rest. It was fresh thirteen years ago, but still far from refreshing. What would be refreshing, is if I didn’t have to read about the inevitability of Big Momma’s House 3, or about a project that makes Little Nicky looked inspired. I would love to see Eddie Murphy get raw again … just not in Beverly Hills Cop IV. There must be a way to make these men funny again, and a good starting point would be to keep them men both on screen and off.

Saw VI opened in movie theaters last weekend to magnanimous reviews, per usual of a franchise that has succeeded mainly in part because of its cinematic worth. Critics are praising it as “tediously preachy,” “revolting,” “headache inducing,” “obnoxiously cynical and incompetently directed,” “ugly, cheap-looking schlock,” and “utterly dull.” The bad news? None of these are taken out of context. The good news? This is: “enjoyable.”

VI actually opened to the smallest numbers the franchise has seen (14.1 million), earning even less than the original did in 2004 (18.2 million), yet it opened in more theaters. Even more interesting is how Paranormal Activity, which has been slowly rolling out over the last month, out-earned Saw VI with 21.1 million.

Now would be a good time to tell you that I have never watched a Saw film. I have been entertained by vaguely horrific movies in the past, but from what I’ve seen in trailers and read in reviews, this franchise eschews any semblance of horror tropes for mindless (and loud … and dimly shot … and horribly acted) images of torture. It was shocking in 2004 when Americans were dealing with their own realities of torture at Abu Ghraib, but its core audience has become desensitized since.

What IS this?!

If we can credit the Saw films with any lasting impact, it would be their commitment to changing what people consider horrific. Which, now that we’ve cycled through six of these things, is very hard to classify. I don’t know what scares people anymore. The reboots of Halloween, The Hills Have Eyes, and the upcoming Nightmare on Elm Street are being affected by this loud, senseless choreography infected in the horror genre by Saw‘s sensibilities. And it isn’t frightening … or enjoyable.

I recently watched Sam Raimi’s “return to horror” Drag Me To Hell, which opened kinda decently this summer. It’s sad it didn’t get as much attention as it should have, because it is blindingly bright spot in the recent history of torture porn-inspired horror flicks. Raimi relies upon the simple elements that naturally scare an audience: shadows, unspeakable evil, and talking goats. Suspense has been denied its proper place in films as of late, and nearly the entire film uses tension as the cohesion between each scene. And sometimes that leads to funny situations that, God forbid, make the film enjoyable on a different level. For too long I have inappropriately laughed at horror movies. When I laughed at the death of a cat in Hell, it was an explicit reaction crafted by Raimi, and I thank him for that.

So where do horror movies go from here? Well, there will definitely be another Saw film. Even if VI drastically underperforms, it will still turn a profit, and in turn greenlight the next installment. But the huge success of Paranormal Activity suggests a new wave of scary movies … and as long as they actually stay scary, I’ll be content. Maybe.